Paradox Point

Quitting Drinking

In the early morning hours of May 1^st, 2010, I was handcuffed and put in the back of a police car.  The front passenger side wheel of my car was stuck in between railroad ties.  I was intoxicated.  I had just finished trying to walk in a straight line.  I had just looked into a very bright flashlight and tried to follow it with my eyes, as an officer moved it from side to side.  I had just blown a .22 into a portable Breathalyzer.

The ride to the Jonesboro jail was uncomfortable and quiet.  I sat there, in a drunken stupor, thinking, Oh, this is all gonna be fine.  We’re gonna get down there, and I’m gonna be really nice to these guys, and there gonna let a buddy come pick me up.  I’m a good dude.  This isn’t who I am.  They’ll realize that.

After exchanging pleasantries and undergoing a few more tests, the policemen handed me over to the folks running the jail cell.  I had to give them everything – bracelets, a necklace, my wallet, my cellphone, my chapstick… and then they put me in the drunk tank with two other guys, both of whom were sound asleep, and snoring.

I found a corner and sat down on the uncomfortable pavement, huddled up like a homeless man during a New York City winter.  I knew that I didn’t want to fall asleep, because I wasn’t sure what the other guys might do if I did.

It hadn’t really set in yet.  I was in jail, and no one was coming to get me.  I was drunk out of my mind, and I had been driving my car.  I could have seriously injured myself, or my friends, or anyone else who happened to be on the road that morning.

God was hitting me over the head with 2x4, but I was still too drunk to know it.

They brought us breakfast.  It was disgusting, but it helped me to sober up.  Some guy took my picture and asked me to fill out a form.  I couldn’t believe I was writing down my own name.  That was not me.  I should’ve listed Drunken as my first name, and Idiot as my last.

Eventually, they gave me a phone call.  It was collect, which meant that I could only call a landline.  Which meant that I was gonna call my mom and tell her that I needed her to come and get me out of jail.  I cried like a baby when I talked to her.  One of the prison guards tried to comfort me.  But I didn’t need to be comforted in that moment.  I needed to feel it all – all of the embarrassment and shame.  I needed it to be real.

They brought lunch.  It was even more disgusting, but I was finally sober.  Actually, I was more hungover than anything.

I walked around the drunk tank a lot.  The other guys were gone by then.  I thought about why I was there.  I thought about how badly I wanted to get out, and about how little I wanted to have to see the look on my parents’ faces when they came to get me.

Yesterday, I met with some loving, encouraging, wise men from church.  Some of them know what it’s like too have a problem with drinking too much.  Some of them know what it’s like to want to end your life.  Some of them know what it’s like to only believe in God cerebrally, and not actually feel it viscerally.

They told me some things that I needed to hear, and I did my best to listen to everything they said, and to be humble and teachable.  Some times their words would make me cry, and some times they would make me laugh.  Then they all put their hands on me, and they prayed for me.

Then, I hugged all of them.  I even hugged some guys that I’ve only talked to in five-minute intervals prior to our meeting.  They all told me that I could call any of them, at any time, for any reason.  Because that is what we should all be willing to offer to those with whom we share community.

And then I left, knowing that I have a strong predilection towards substance abuse.  I don’t really know if I’m a certified alcoholic, but I do know that I have cravings – I have these crazy cravings where I just want my mind to be altered, and where I just don’t want to deal with a situation, or I just don’t want to think about a certain thing.

I quit smoking pot a week and a half ago.  Tonight I quit drinking.  I have to.  I’ve tried to manage it, and I’ve failed.  I’ve had some successes over the past couple of years, but I’ve had even more failures.

I will not find the fullness of joy that comes from a relationship with Jesus until I give Him my fleshly desire to be full of spirits, and in so doing, no longer be full of His Spirit.

I know that God has given me leadership ability, and I know that I will never fully embrace that role until I am free from that ugly craving.  I’ve got to put away the old man.  I’ve got to be transformed by the renewing of my mind.  I’ve got to love and motivate others.  I’ve gotta be the man that God wants me to be.

And, as far as I can tell, that isn’t going to happen if I keep drinking.  I am fully confident that God will use me for His purposes, and that He will quell my problem with abusing the things that he created for our enjoyment.

So, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry – for not leading well, and for not acting like Jesus, and for being a hypocrite, and for being stubborn and sinful.  I’m gonna get these demons out of my house, and God and I are going to fill those empty rooms with beautiful, true, good things.  And I’m gonna probably drop some of those things, and break them, and try and sneak the demons back into the house, and so I’m gonna need ya to hold me accountable, and pray for me, and be patient with me.

I love you all, and thank you for the blessing that you’ve been in my life.  Thank you for praying – please continue to do so.  It’s 2:01 AM, and I’m not tired, and Satan always makes it hard for me to go to sleep whenever he knows that I’m trying to make changes that he doesn’t want me to make.

But here’s the thing: he’s not the guy who wins in the end.  That’s gonna be the almighty Fire-Maker and Grace-Sustainer.  And then, as my new tattoo reminds me every morning, we will finally understand what it’s all about, and we will finally get why there was something about earth that just didn’t feel right, no matter how many great moments we had while we were here.  We will finally be home, where people won’t have any reason to crave things that let them forget, because all we will want to do is remember, because there will only be love and beautiful worship, and there will only be joy and peace, and there will be no reason to want to forget anything.  And that will go on forever and ever, and I want to see all of you there.

Proverbs 28:13

You can't whitewash your sins and get by with it; you find mercy by admitting and leaving them.