The Bottom of Everything
About a month or so ago, I started doing this “bible reading plan.” I heard about it from a pastor in Seattle (@raincitypastor.) I really like his writing and respect his wisdom, so I decided to give a try.
It’s actually a pretty cool deal. Every day, this website sends you links to the chapters you are supposed to read for the day. They even let you pick the translation you want – I’ve been reading The Message lately.
There’ve been some days where I get behind and have to do make-up reading. But for the most part I’ve been keeping up, and really enjoying it. Reading the Bible isn’t always something that I want to do, but lately my heart’s been in it, and I’m thankful for that.
I recently finished Ecclesiastes. I forgot how wild that book is. Solomon is forthright and forward. He’s frustrated and fed up. But he also is learning to find balance. Two of my favorite parts are from chapter 7 - verses 14 and 18.
“On a good day, enjoy yourself; on a bad day, examine your conscience. God arranges for both kinds of days, so that we won't take anything for granted.”
And – “It’s best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it.”
He says it’s best. Not, it’s easiest, or most convenient, or most popular, but best.
But then, next chapter over, verses 16 and 17, he admits how tough it is to deal responsibly with all of reality.
“When I determined to load up on wisdom and examine everything taking place on earth, I realized that if you keep your eyes open day and night without even blinking, you'll still never figure out the meaning of what God is doing on this earth. Search as hard as you like, you're not going to make sense of it. No matter how smart you are, you won't get to the bottom of it.”
When I was in highschool, I used to sit in class and write things like, “Everything is everything and nothing is nothing and I love/hate all of it.” I used to try and come up with these all-encompassing statements to try and get to the bottom of things. Instead of approaching paradoxes with open arms, I put up my fists and said, “Let’s go.”
There’s a reason I call this site Paradox Point, and that’s because I think we all get to a place where we make a decision to either embrace mystery, paradox, and tension, or to reject those things, and spend our entire lives wrestling with them.
Solomon said that we won’t get to the bottom of it. Now that I’ve stepped out and made a lot of mistakes, I think He was on to something. So I’m doing my best to see both sides of an issue, stay even-tempered, fear God, and take on all of reality, every day.
I'll leave you with the first track off "I'm Wide Awake It's Morning."
Living A Better Story
Stories are supposed to have a dramatic arc – a tipping point, perhaps. I think God has brought me to the tipping point in the story we’re writing together.
Three months ago, I got arrested for a DWI. I was driving some friends who had also been drinking, and when I tried to turn the car around at some railroad tracks, God seized the opportunity to lodge one of my tires in between the ties.
I blew a .22 into the portable breathalyzer and spent a night in jail. I made a collect call to my folks, and they came to bail me out.
A week later, I walked across the stage at Arkansas State University and received my college diploma. A degree in Broadcast Journalism. A minor in Political Science. A departure from Jonesboro. With honors.
About two weeks later, I drove home drunk again.
A couple of weeks after that, I drunkenly witnessed to a homeless guy at a bar. It was my birthday. I had chugged a bunch of whiskey before going to see The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and all I thought about during the movie was how I wished it was over so I could go drink more.
Two weeks after that, I drank (most of) a bottle of wine called “Bohemian Highway.” It was Tuesday.
The next night, I met with the elders at church, expressing my desire to lead worship on Sunday mornings.
That was the night – four weeks ago today – when I decided to quit drinking. I’ve stayed true to that decision, if you don’t count the communion wine at church.
In about two weeks, my internship in the video production department at Family Life will be over. I can’t tell you how many times people have asked me, “So, what’s next?”
I can tell you what’s not next.
I didn’t get in at RhythmInTwenty.
I didn’t get in at Paste.
I didn’t get in at Daytrotter.
And I didn’t get in at KEXP/AIR.
I’m not moving to Birmingham to be close to a girl that I’ve dated off and on for the past six years.
I’m not taking a job in radio.
But I’m writing a story, and I think it’s the one that God would have me write. The one where I sell my car, and ride my bike, and clear my head, and pray non-stop, and learn what it means to truly trust in Him.
Don told us to be specific with what we write… And I’d love to be specific. I’d love to say, “This is exactly what I’m going to do over the next couple of months and years.” But that’s what I’ve been saying for the past 22 years, and God has brought me to a point where I just don’t know what my next move is going to be.
So, this is as specific as I can be right now.
My goal for the next couple of the months is exactly what it was 4 weeks ago. To lead worship at church. Maybe that’s not much of a goal, but it’s what I got. The challenge was given to me by an agnostic friend before he took off for basic training with the Air Force. He said, “I don’t wanna come home and see you burned out, drinking all the time, and not doing anything with you life.” That stuck with me.
Leading others before the throne of God is a privilege and an honor, so I will be both waiting patiently, and taking the necessary steps, to get to a point where the elder board says, "Yeah. You're our guy this week. Go for it."
That’s probably gonna mean more lunches with older guys (which I love,) and helping with sound, or playing djembe, or teaching at Kids Kamp, or going on the Youth Retreat. Areas towards which I would not normally gravitate… but I am confident that God will teach me humility and joy throughout them.
I’m also going to plan to write five days a week, even if it’s not much. I want to average 1,000 hits a week on my website, and the way to make that happen is to keep flexing my creative muscles and inviting others to join in the conversation.
This is what my grandma told me recently: “Jim, talented people don’t always know what they want to do. There are a lot of things you could do – it’s just figuring out what you’re supposed to do.”
Thank God for grandmas. And for grace, when we reach our tipping points.
So, yes, I want to attend this conference because I want to learn more about co-authoring my story with God. But I also want to take my grandma out to lunch and say, “Guess what? I figured out what I’m supposed to do!” And I want God’s grace and glory to be evident through it all.
More information on this contest here, and in the video below.
Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems
I’ve loved the NFL since I was a kid.
Our family used to always go to Jason’s Deli after church, and I’d get a loaded baked potato for lunch and a beefeater sandwich to go. When the Cowboys game came on, I’d eat the beefeater and cheer them on – even when they weren’t doing too hot. Think Quincy Carter/Troy Hambrick era. Yeah, ouch.
I’ve always thought it would be a blast to own an NFL franchise. Or at least coach. Or be a team chaplain or a scout or, anything really. Just to be a part of an NFL team.
Something that has always baffled me is when players leave a team for more money. I don’t get that at all. Dudes who are already making millions a year, leave so that they can go make even more millions. Why?
I understand a player wanting to leave if they are being treated unfairly, or if they could get more playing time somewhere else, or could win a Superbowl, or whatever… but just for more money?! What?!
What makes these guys think that if they can just get a couple more mill, their lives will be better? Why aren’t they happy with what they got? I mean, they’re set. They’re good. What's another car when you've already got five?
My dad and I were talking about it over lunch the other day. He said he’d listened to a radio show the night before where the guys were talking about how, for some players, money = respect, i.e., the more you pay me, the more you respect me.
I guess I understand that. A lot of those dudes might’ve not had too much growing up, and so, for them, mo’ money = mo’ respect. It means that they’ve graduated from their meager beginnings. It means that they’ve “made something of themselves.”
Here’s what I’m saying: mo’ money = mo’ problems. And that principle applies to lots of things. The more you want something, and the more you get it, the more it owns you. It consumes your thoughts and it becomes just another thing for you to waste your time thinking and worrying about.
Obviously, money is not an inherent evil. And a lot of dudes in the NFL are using their money to start foundations and charities and help others. That’s awesome. I totally support that.
But if you’re leaving a team just for more money, just so that you feel more respected, just to make yourself feel a little better about yourself… don’t. It may make you feel better for the short term, but it won’t pay off in the long term.
So Many Books, So Much Unemployed Time (in two weeks. probably.)
My internship with Family Life is over about two weeks from today. I don’t yet have plans about what I’m doing next. Other than finishing the 6th season of LOST (if I haven’t already), and reading a lot of books.
I have a list of just over 15 books that I want to read. I’m gonna post them here, and if you’ve heard of/read/want to recommend any of them to me, please do!
- Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life - Anne Lamott
- Culture Making – Andy Crouch
- Hear No Evil: My Story of Innocence, Music and the Holy Ghost – Matthew Paul Turner
- Imaginary Jesus - Matt Mikalatos
- The Things They Carried – Tim O’Brien
- The Unlikely Disciple – Kevin Roose
- Rediscovering Values – Jim Wallis
- The Value of Nothing – Raj Patel
- Three Cups of Tea – Greg Mortenson
- A People’s History of the United States – Howard Zinn
- Oh The Glory of it All – Sean Wilsey
- Eating Animals – Jonathan Saffron Foer
- Infinite Jest - David Foster Wallace
- The Good Man Jesus and The Scoundrel Christ - Phillip Pullman
- How We Decide - Jonah Lehrer
- Can We Be Good Without God? A Conversation About Truth, Morality, Culture, & a Few Other Things That Matter - Paul Chamberlain
I’m sort of resolving to only read books that I can’t put down – compelling stories – so keep that in mind if/when you chime in. I’ll post here when I start reading some of these and letcha know what I think!
You Don’t Get to 500 Million Friends Without Making a Few Enemies
I said a week or two ago that I wanted to write a blog about the pros and cons of the Internet. With Facebook hitting 500 millions members, I thought it appropriate to churn something out. (Speaking of Facebook, have you seen the creepy new trailer for The Social Network?) I originially titled this post, Free Information and Socialism, but that’s not really what it ended up being about. Here it is.
Lots of things are “free” these days. Music, movies, TV shows… they can all be had with a couple clicks of the mouse and some high-speed Internet. Downloading these various forms of media is some times labeled “illegal,” although the debate is obviously ongoing, as methods of controlling said downloading are still being formed and discussed.
For a guy who hopes to some day earn a living by sharing ideas and creativity with others, it can be somewhat scary to realize that people may never pay money for my music, or my books, or my podcast, or whatever it ends up being.
But I think there are some positives to the exchange of information and creative content that defines the age in which we live.
First of all, it increases knowledge. Not only of domestic issues, but foreign affairs as well. Questions can be answered quickly and efficiently.
Secondly, it promotes sharing. We share ideas, links, music, opinions, videos, etc.
Thirdly, we are able to keep in touch with loved ones and connect with new people.
There are, of course, negative aspects to all three of these.
Firstly, it is often the case that with more knowledge comes more pride. People position themselves as experts on an issue, and speak as if their opinion is fact.
Secondly, although lots of good, truthful, and funny things are shared, there are also mindless, pointless, depraved things being shared. And lots of folks aren’t weeding out the junk.
Lastly, it is true that we can connect with far away friends through social media, but it can also be detrimental to how (or when, if ever) we connect in person. It can damage our interaction with others, but not wanting to get too close, or risk too much. We’d rather live safely behind our “Internet Identity.”
The call to action: embrace the good in what is a quickly changing landscape of interaction, but also be wary of the bad. And remember, the platform on which all of this is being built – some day it’s gonna go up in flames, so don’t hold on to it tightly. Keep your eyes focused on what you’re working towards and don’t deviate from that.
Don’t Waste Yr Life
Proverbs 15:9
A life frittered away disgusts God;
He loves those who run straight for the finish line.
Even though I’m starting today’s post with a verse from Proverbs, I’m not going to preach at you, I swear.
However, this might start to sound like a Robin Williams speech from Dead Poets Society. Carpe Diem, and all. But I’m cool with that. It was a great movie.
I really think that the above-listed verse matters no matter what you believe about God or Christianity, or any sort of religion or spiritual matter.
It could easily read, “A life frittered away is disgusting, a waste; but we rejoice at those who work diligently for the greater good.”
Now, I know that “the greater good” is an ambiguous term that means a lot of different things to a lot of different people.
I use it here only to distinguish from a person who works diligently, but does so towards the goal of oppressing or hurting others.
I am 22-year-old and still figuring out what specifically is my course towards “the finish line.”
I have a lot of friends who are doing the same thing.
Here’s my word: don’t stop looking. And don’t be satisfied when you find it. Don’t be satisfied until you croak. Search with all your heart, and when you find your path, run with all your might, and don’t stop, don’t ever stop, until you absolutely can’t go another yard.
It’s gonna be easier to stagnate. It’s gonna be easier to grow (even more) cynical. It’s gonna be easier to take the road less travelled. It’s also easier to drive-thru McDonalds than it is to cook a delicious meal.
To quote John Piper, “Don’t waste your life.” Whether you believe there is life to come or not, seize the day. Don’t let any years slip away – no matter what stage of life you are in.
I’ll end with a tweet from one of my longest-known friends - Brandon Harris - and a verse from Ecclesiastes 11.
“i want to die exhausted. it makes me sad to think ab how much of my life ive already wasted by trying to take the easy route. & im only 23.”
3-4 When the clouds are full of water, it rains.
When the wind blows down a tree, it lies where it falls.
Don't sit there watching the wind. Do your own work.
Don't stare at the clouds. Get on with your life.
Go Do Something You Hate! Being Miserable Builds Character!
* The title of this post is taken from a Calvin and Hobbes comic strip. All hail the great Bill Watterson. *
For those of you don’t know, I am interning at Family Life this summer. Family Life is the ministry where my dad works. He’s the co-host of Family Life Today… a 30-minute radio program that brings in a million and a half listeners a week.
Every week, we have intern meetings with two or three guys from the ministry. They’re investing in our lives, and hoping to help us learn more about our “S.H.A.P.E.”, which is an acronym that basically means passion.
I was working on a questionnaire a couple of weeks again, and one of the things it asked was, “What do you like to do in your spare time?”
I’m a little wary of even the term “spare time,” but that’s for a different blog post. This is how I responded to the question.
“I love travelling. I love being on the road, seeing new things and places. I love playing music. I love live music. I enjoy playing pool with friends. I like learning about anything. Recently, I enjoy watching a season of a good TV show. I’ve also found that I like being outside, whether it’s relaxing on a beach or hiking through the woods or floating down the Buffalo River. I especially love it when I do something that I think I am going to hate, but I end up loving it and learning a lot from it.”
It’s the last sentence in that response that I want to focus on today.
I am not a morning person. At least, I didn’t use to be. Now I’m sort of a morning and night person. Both are good, and it would be a shame to miss out on one or the other.
But I had to start getting up early, with a good attitude, to realize that, Yeah, morning actually is pretty nice! Everything is waking up with me. The sun, the breeze, other people… I can feel just – if not more! – alive in the morning as I do lying under the stars late at night.
But it took a couple of things for me to make that realization:
A good attitude (not dismissing the possibility of enjoyment), dedication (doing it more than once), and commitment (going to bed earlier enough that I would be able to get up.)
The end product was joy, even though originally, the morning was something I avoided.
I think this is a lesson that we can learn from a lot of situations in life. There is always a reason, always a purpose, and even if we don’t like it at first, a good attitude, a steadfast dedication, and a solid commitment, will make a world of difference.
I’ll end with a quote from C.S. Lewis that popped up in my twitter feed the other day:
“No soul that seriously & constantly desires joy will ever miss it. Those who seek find, to those who knock it is opened.”
Shameless Self-Promotion
Today’s post is gonna feature some good ole fashioned, shameless self-promotion.
You see, after a month or two of delay, the Both/And “A Thousand Times Before” EP is finally available for purchase on iTunes and at CDbaby.com.
I’m proud of how it ended up, and the songs mean a lot to me. The band is still about $80 in debt, so if we can sell around 20 of ‘em, we’ll be all squared up.
We also burned a bunch of ‘em, and I can sell you one of those if you want. We put them in old CD cases that I don’t use anymore.
I’m gonna post the lyrics from the title track (A Thousand Times Before,) and call it a day. Thanks for listening and supporting.
Oh my God am I here all alone?
Am I here all alone?
I need to know
I’m calling out crying please help
But I’m not sure it’s what I really want
I seem to think that I’m fine on my own
I don’t need nobody to help me along
Now I’m losing energy and losing hope
Feels I’ve been here before
A thousand times before
This mundane cycle, this violence and war
We’ve all been here before
A thousand times before
I think the same thoughts, commit the same sin
Time again, and time again and again and again
Glimpses of change, they never stay
Why won’t you stay, for just one God-breathed day
Can you Grace really be so great?
Give it to me straight, don’t hesitate
Cause a sinner as big as me makes it hard to see how that could be
Don’t let go of my hand (2x)
You see this wedding band
You’re the groom and I’m the bride
But my ugly pride, it still abides
And I’m sorry
I’m a dirty whore
I’m the nation of Israel
Can’t do this no more
So let me rest in your arms
You’ve got the strongest arms
You keep me safe from harm
Oh my God am I here all alone?
Am I here all alone?
I need to know
Oh my God we’re not here all alone
We’re not here all alone
You’ve been here all along
Cultivating Community
In Little Rock, and everywhere I go, I am trying to cultivate a community of honesty and humility.
What this means is that I want my friends to be able to tell me anything, without feeling like I will look down on and/or judge them.
It means that we don’t waste each other’s time with all kinds of crazy dancing around the issues.
It means that we confess our sins to one another, and encourage one another, and forgive each other, every time.
It doesn’t mean that we are rude, or brash, or abrasive.
It doesn’t mean that we overlook problems, or act like something isn’t a big deal, or stuff our frustration.
It simply means that every single action is motivated by love. Love for Jesus, love for others, and love for ourselves.
The first love is the foundation, for without love Himself, we will never truly understand how to love perfectly.
The second love is to put others needs before our own.
The third love is meant to balance the second, in that, we love our neighbor as our self. I know that I have said some pretty mean things to myself - things that I would not say to my neighbor. This is the love that keeps us from the venomous aspect of self-deprecation.
Community – especially honest and humble community – is never safe, but always good. Good community avoids just going through the motions. Good community comforts the afflicted and afflicts the comfortable. Good community does not mean that we all feel good all the time, but that we do good all the time.
There is risk and reward with every decision that we make. What I’m saying is that the risk associated with practicing good community is far outweighed by the rewards that can come from it.
I’ve stepped out and stripped myself naked in front of all of you, confessing my DWI, and asking for forgiveness.
From what do you want to be free? What do you need to confess? Where do you need accountability? Answer those questions, and don’t be afraid to let people gather around you to support you in love.
It’s not safe. But it’s good.
Worship… at a bar?!
As some of you probably know, I went to Juanita’s last night and saw a really great show. The Romany Rye, David Vandervelde, and Delta Spirit. I heard about all three of them from Daytrotter. And all three of them were fun.
Delta Spirit, though… man. Delta Spirit. They were something else. There’s a reason they headlined. The Romany Rye was the house favorite (Chris Denny’s old band is now the backing band for Luke MacMaster, principle songwriter.) David Vandervelde was a little spacey, but very talented. But when Delta Spirit came on – it was a worship experience for me.
Ben and I were talking about it as he gave me a ride home. It’s not something that our parents or even some of our friends will understand, I don’t think, but, being at that show last night was just as much – if not more – of a worship experience than a lot of church worship sets.
Standing front middle, with my eyes closed, listening to Matt Vasquez sing Ransom Man, I could feel the presence of God in the beauty and creativity - in the heart and passion – of the art being presented. It was raw and real. I was sweaty and stupefied. The blending of the instruments, the love around me, and the extent to which I am blessed… it hit me like a heart attack, to quote myself.
I want that same creativity, beauty, heart and passion to be ever-present in Christ’s Church. The Church, as in those who love Jesus, and the church, as in where we meet on Sunday mornings. Somewhere in the whole mess of things, we’ve gotten a bit formulaic, and a bit… well, boring.
Some of us have fallen into the trap of thinking that the only time we can worship God is when we are singing songs by Chris Tomlin or Matt Redman.
Nope.
If you truly believe that God is a creative God, I challenge you to think outside of what you’re comfortable with, and to not limit God to what feels safe to you.
If you are frustrated with an older generation who you think “just doesn’t get it,” I would challenge you to humble yourself and figure out what you can learn from them.
If you are frustrated with a younger generation who you think is “wanting to change too much in the church,” I would challenge you to – like Jesus did – meet people where they are, and see what you can learn from them, too.
Anyway. Thanks, Delta Spirit, for helping me to worship the creator God last night. Even if it was in a bar of all places! Heavens!